If, like me, you possess a wonderful pair of very sensitive antennas, this may ring true.
In a group setting, I am aware, at all times, of everyone’s state of mind, at every moment. I observe, take mental notes, look for changes in position or face expression. I am an expert at reading my audience. I am hyper vigilant. Over my years of hard work, I have been able to remain vigilant without the gnawing feeling of danger, at every moment. Especially with my husband. After 12 years, my nervous system believes my heart that a threat is inexistant.
In one on one interaction, although not as consuming as having to “watch” numerous people roam around a room, the “watching” is more intricate. Eye movement, placement of hands, level of interest, etc. It makes the focus multi facetted. It can also be highly distracting.
As I said, with MANY years of work on inner life, I am able to relax with people I know and trust. The antennas retract slowly as confidence grows that danger is not so imminent. However, my antennas are not to be fooled. Triggering situations are often unprecedented and they happen when I am least prepared for them. Like, when I sit on my couch to watch a political debate, on television, affecting a neighbouring country.
As I watched the pre debate news coverage, my hands got cold and clammy. Mo mouth became dry. As it began, I reached for the wine I had bought for Thanksgiving dinner. Conflict is definitely not my favorite situation. But, like most of us, I haven’t been able to look away from the train wreck. As the wreckage went on, and DT began walking behind, following his opponent and luring behind her, I became highly agitated and worried about her safety. Although she remained cool, collected and visibly unaffected. Her self control is astonishing. I am afraid anyone having suffered attacks may not have enjoyed watching as his body language spoke heavily.
I do not wish to speak of politics in this post. I do wish to bring to awareness to the largely ignored, quieted and very present threats we, as women, face daily. Because not all of us are able to be as strong, as confident, as aware of our strength and weaknesses and mentally able to take on tasks such as speaking out about what we believe. Especially when society tells us to smile and look pretty, when often time, we may be dying inside.
Sexual assault, sexual harassment, sexual trauma or any given situation where we are made to feel anything but exceptional human creature is just NOT OKAY. Not ONE person has the right to tell us how we should feel. Not ONE person deserves to be quieted.
At this point in my life, I think about my children. My two boys and little girl. I hope my boys will be in that locker room to shut down ANYONE who attempts to denigrate women. I hope that my little girl will remember how her father treated her and me, like exceptional creatures, and stand up to the less thans who don’t celebrate and applaud her, simply for who she is.
I hope that I will be able to utilize my antennas in the near future to be a great psychotherapist and help those who were treated less than by the less thans. I hope to uplift every girl, woman, lady, mamas I have the honor to celebrate because, not all super heros wear capes. We do have SUPER powers. The power to lead, power to change,
power to celebrate, power to care, power to carry life, power to stand for each other and the power to LOVE.
Here is to my young self and all the young minds of today, girls AND boys.